Anxiety and Me

This didn’t mean anxiety was entirely bad. In my case it was the only coping tool I found as a child when I had no other, and when no one spoke of these things. The idea is that after understanding how anxiety works within us, how and when it comes up, we can use it as that little alarm system and get the help we need, to find the coping tools that will actually help soothe us.

Understanding what that alarm system was like in me was a big step forward, and of course the symptoms of anxiety have changed for me throughout the years and are different for everyone. On an emotional level, anxiety feels like what I just mentioned, an endless loop of thoughts, often times black and white thinking, often times negative and even catastrophic. It’s your mind trying to find some firm ground to stand on and bring relief, but the endless thinking and hashing out of problems and trying to see where the road will take you and how to avoid pain, only brings about more anxiety and more pain. On the physical side of things, for me it was immediately feeling like I couldn’t breathe deeply but felt a desperate need to. This shortness of breath is one of my first signs that something needs to be tweaked because I’m feeling anxious. It sometimes included lots of attempts to breathe in deeply and even frequent yawning. It also meant stress and tension on my shoulders and neck. It meant asthma-like symptoms which were incredibly uncomfortable (and which I now know might have turned into full on panic attacks had I not really looked into healing my anxiety). It also meant having migraines and tension headaches, on some occasions it got so bad as to turn into night sweats, difficulty sleeping and once into stress-induced vertigo. On two occasions of my life, anxiety brought depression with it. Both of these moments included such high levels of anxiety, that even those negative thoughts that aren’t based on reality feel as if they are completely true and part of your experience already. Of course, when this is sustained through time, depression is very common for many people, and as you can probably imagine, not a comfortable place to be in, nor easy to overcome.

There is so much stigma when it comes to having a mental or emotional condition or illness. We’ve somehow learned culturally that any emotional difficulties should be hidden away, as opposed to the well accepted practice of going to the doctor when you have an ear infection. Here’s the thing though, mind and body are one, and anxiety is one little creature that really loves to show you this lesson clearly, and thank goodness for all the signs and symptoms, again, it’s that little alarm that we can now learn to recognize. This was part of how my healing began.

Understanding I had a problem

Anxiety is a tricky devil. It’s very hard when you’re deep in its thralls to tell yourself that that big mountain of problems you have rolling around in your head is feeling so overwhelming in part because that’s what anxiety does, and not because it isn’t reality. Anxiety convinces us that we need to control and think about it more, call again to re-check, ask again to prevent mistakes, be on high alert so we can react appropriately, think it over and then think it over some more no matter how much pain it causes. Although anxiety has been mostly an annoying sidekick for most of my life (picture the chatty neighbour in Home Alone you can’t quiet down and send back to where he came from), when it got serious, the anxious thoughts became so strong that it felt like what I was trying so hard to keep at a distance, was already happening. It makes you analyze what people say in different ways, it makes you react much more emotionally to everyday things. It makes your heart race and it provides very little in the form of rest and being in the present moment. When I was in the thralls of it though, all this was very hard to see, and when I was going through very strong physical manifestations of my anxious mind, like waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn’t breathe, I kept looking for medical reasons for the symptoms, trying 20 different inhalers, when the key (in my case) lied in my mind. The first step to healing was realizing that indeed I was struggling emotionally, and that that had a name.

Finding the tools to cope

There were so many things that helped me cope with my anxiety, and each worked at different moments and stages of my life. In a way my anxiety got really bad because I didn’t seek help sooner, and it took me a while to really understand and accept that I needed help. This help finally came in many different ways:

• I was fortunate enough to be able to go to therapy, particularly EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) and cognitive behavioral therapy, which is still the best money I have ever spent. This type of therapy, and my wonderful therapist, saved my life. Part of the reason I could not let go of anxiety on my own during the time in which it was at its worst, was because anxiety had always been my coping mechanism to deal with trauma. To heal my anxious mind meant I had to heal the traumatic moments of my past that had created it. This is something that should always be done with a professional, whether through EMDR or traditional therapy. There is no shame in seeking help, and the relief that comes through knowing yourself and understanding your triggers and building new coping tools is priceless.

• During the darkest times of my anxiety, in which therapy was helping with the day to day but I was unable to go back to the past and heal, medication was immeasurably helpful. This should always be done with the close supervision of your doctor or a psychiatrist, and in my experience, in combination with therapy when possible. Although I was able to come off the medication in time, it gave me the space and breathing room during my day to day life and especially during therapy, so we could heal and find the source of the problem. For some people medication is not necessary, for some it’s necessary for some time, for others for life, and if and when we need it, it’s important that we get the medical care we need and always under supervision.

• Second only to the therapy I did, practicing mindfulness has been the biggest life saver when it comes to my anxiety and finding soothing and healing. Of course, the perfect pill for an anxious non-stop mind is “the presence pill”. Trying to get the mind to come back to stillness, to the present moment, knowing that the world will not collapse if we’re not in this endless loop trying to solve everything. That in fact the best solutions come from presence and peace of mind. 

• Engaging in physical exercise I love, letting my body do the talking as to what type of movement I would enjoy on any given day, and learning how not to go overboard with exercise has also been incredibly helpful. For me, softer and more fun forms of exercise work best when I’m going through a period of anxiety, things like a walk or hike in nature, a slow jog in the forest trails, and yoga or pilates have been perfect. When I'm not in an anxious cycle, dance has been the biggest cornerstone of my exercise routine and has helped me immensely.

• Developing proper sleep habits has also helped tremendously. Not sleeping well is like kindle to the fires of anxiety. It’s a must, and practicing meditation and relaxation techniques can help a lot with stress and aid in better sleep.

• A love of books has been a quite unusual but very big help in soothing my anxiety. Reading gives you a break from the anxious mind and it’s the perfect excuse and reminder to slow down and relax for a little bit every day. It’s one of my favorite forms of self-care.

• A love of animals has also been a huge aid in healing. My dogs, spending mindful time with them and looking after them, has given me so much joy. Animals can teach us so much about presence, and they’re always a great reminder of feeling unconditional love and compassion for yourself, just like they do.

• A love of nature has also been huge for me. Spending time outside was very important in my healing journey. I think it has to do with breathing the fresh air deeply, and digging into the relaxation that always comes when we’re surrounded by nature and at peace there.

• Finding coping tools other than food, reducing stress around meals and around the way I eat has been a must. Many times the first side effect of anxiety is eating mindlessly, with no awareness and almost compulsively. At least this is what it was like for me. I had few coping tools, so food gave me this instant yet momentary release of anxiety. By looking into healing the anxiety itself, I suddenly started to learn how to open up space for awareness instead of automatic reacting. I started learning about how my body felt before, during and after meals. I started recognizing the difference between hunger and anxiety or nervousness. Healing anxiety is wonderful not only because it helps us improve our relationship with food and eating, but because once we practice stepping out of that anxious space, and we don’t turn to food as the only way to self soothe, we can start learning our own language. We can start listening to what our bodies and minds truly need, and this in turn can create great healing. Sometimes what we need is companionship, sometimes what we need is to express ourselves, to meet needs that aren’t being met, to ask for help, to release anger, to heal trauma, etc., and when we go straight to the real source, food goes back to being simple, a source of pleasure and nourishment, instead of something to numb or distract. It’s a two way street, with both sides helping each other.

• Flexing my self compassion muscle has also been a tool of self care that I rarely get to mention, and just last night I heard a woman on her 60th birthday talking about life lessons, saying that self compassion is far more important than self esteem, because it begets self esteem. Kindness and self compassion means we don’t judge our minds or our bodies for being wired the way they are, we learn to live with this and to find help, we learn about patience and we take notes for the next time anxiety arrives, and slowly but surely we get started on a journey to healing.

• Having some very important me-time has also been essential, and this usually includes journaling, time with Carlos, watching movies from my childhood, letting myself go to the rough spots and memories of my childhood when I miss the people I love, and then letting these memories move to the side until next time. It can include bubble baths, getting a massage, and many of the other tools I’ve been mentioning so far.

• Saying no is very hard for people who struggle with anxiety, because all the possible repercussions for saying no are always in the mind of someone with anxiety. It can be very difficult to maintain your own boundaries when you’re also afraid of whether others will get angry, upset, or how they will react. Saying no however, is usually a life changer once we get comfortable with it, because it means we’re looking after ourselves and our stress levels. This is a big change, since stress is so much more heightened in someone who struggles with anxiety, and it can feel overpowering and develop into many of the strong physical symptoms I’ve mentioned today. This is why knowing our limits, enforcing them and protecting them, is very important.

• Listening to the alarm, and reminding myself where these signals can go when ignored is the last and very important tool I want to share with you today. Long ago I made a promise to myself that these alarms required immediate attention and care, and were more important than anything else. All else could wait and my mental health comes first.

I hope this post inspired you to seek some help and support if you’re struggling with anxiety or any other mental health issues. There are so many tools, and there is so much help at our disposal. We never have to suffer in silence while anxiety sets up house in our minds. There are so many things that can help manage it and we can learn from it. Always thanking it for what it did once upon a time when we truly needed it, and now being able to let it go and find a new way.